The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
me linking you to my twitter
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Well, this explains it:
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.