[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
You Might Also Like
I wonder if I鈥檝e seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn鈥檛 be too bad
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn鈥檛 believe he鈥檇 even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I鈥檇 see him in a week
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
u蕧op 菨p谋sdn p菨u晒n蕠-p菨dd谋谉蔁 蕠ob 菨蔁谋谉 蕩莎
蕧o丧 蕠noq蓯 谉谉蓯 蕩晒o蕠s 蓯 s谋 s谋丧蕠 ‘蕧ou
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you鈥檝e got no way to tell if you鈥檙e seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 馃幎 Don’t you forget about me 馃幎
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we鈥檒l be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Yup
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I鈥檓 stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.