It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
We have a winner.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.