The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back