Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
your honor my client chooses dare
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.