just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Shower sex be like:
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Good news
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick