You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My first child will be named New Folder.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
How can I say no to this ?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
the rocks need my help
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth