Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
You Might Also Like
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.