If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Livid.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Catering service
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Hard not to take this personally
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.