You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party