1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re