if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.