“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.