“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Ah..makes sense now
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.