When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn鈥檛 work n Spongebob said THAT鈥橲 TWO THINGS THAT DON鈥橳 WORK 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I鈥檓 still fat because I didn鈥檛 do any of it.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma鈥檃m I鈥檓 afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I鈥檝e ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
daughter: there鈥檚 a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I鈥檓 a family of 8.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he鈥檚 headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.