My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
im 7 sauces long
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
just having fun
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring