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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius