I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still