[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside