Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.