Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.