I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Just this preview of the story is enough
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does