You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired