WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR