Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*