My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.