[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?