Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it