Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right