My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.