FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!