Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Camping tip: No.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
what?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl