I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I told my vodka about you.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
my first dose meeting my second
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE