I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
wishing you and yours all the best
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point