Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.