“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe