If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Never forget.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter