Happy thanksgiving
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
can I use a minion as a tampon
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza