[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.