I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
You Might Also Like
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.