Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool