(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.