I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Those are good neighbors.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”