mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
normalize having existential bread
scrabbled eggs
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.