me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.