People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”