I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.