Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Guys, I found it.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I wanna be friends with this person
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.