Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Breaking news:
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!