I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
#oldknees
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.